Throwback Thursday Movie Review: Brubaker

It's Throw Back Thursday Movie Review day again... Last time we did a movie most people had seen... Planes, Trains and Automobiles... This time we're doing a movie probably nobody has seen... Brubaker (1980).

Synopsis (Spoiler alert): When I tell you the concept of the movie, it’s not hard to spoil the beginning of it for you… Henry Brubaker is the new warden at a state prison in Arkansas… He spends the first few days (weeks?) as a prisoner incognito to help identify the corruption and crime (charging for medical attention, rampant sexual assault, electrical torture [Tucker telephone], extortion, flogging, embezzling and reselling of food and supplies) going on in the prison system… He then reveals himself and enlists some of the prisoners to help him enact his reforms… But that rubs those who used to benefit from the corruption, including prison board members, local townfolk and trusties (prisoners who doubled as guards because the prison system didn’t have salaried guards), the wrong way.

The meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ow of the movie: 95 percent of the cast is dudes… But Jane Alexander was meowable back in the day.

Jane Alexander... 1980s Meeeee-ow.

Why to watch?
1. It might be the best prison-themed movie with Morgan Freeman in it… “Better than ’Shawshank Redemption’?”, you say… It might be… Fairly close… When things are close, I give the benefit of the doubt to the true story.

Before 'Shawshank Redemption' Morgan Freeman was tearing up prisons in Alabama.

2. It might be the best prison-themed movie directed by Stuart Rosenberg… “Better than ‘Cool Hand Luke’?”, you say… It’s fairly close… I’m going to call this one a wash.

3. It might be the best film to team up Robert Redford and Wilford Brimley… “Better than ‘The Natural’?”, you say… Actually, no… It’s not… I’m lying… It has Wilford Brimley in it though… And that’s always a plus… Especially pre-diabeetus Wilford.



4. It’s a fairly close representation of a true story… It’s a fictionalized version of a book by Tom Murton, a prison warden who uncovered scandals in the Arkansas prison system in the late 1960s… The beginning part of the movie where Brubaker posed as a prisoner did not happen in real life to the best that I can tell from an hour of Google research… I’m guessing it was done as a dramatic device to more effectively portray the shitty conditions in the prisons rather than just tell you it was happening.

5. It’s Nicolas Cage’s first film! Normally you will find “Nicolas Cage was in it” under my ‘Why to not watch’ column, but apparently it’s a brief appearance… I watched the movie twice and couldn’t pick him out… Which is why it’s a good reason to watch… Maybe you’ll find him… And can tell me where he is.

6. It is credited by some for the birth of the modern day Slow Clap… I actually found out about this movie when I started my soon-to-be-releases blog exposé on the Slow Clap... You can see parts of the scene mixed into this trailer starting at about 1:01 and on!



7. Robert Redford is in it… Despite giving the impression most of the time that he might be an effing commie, Redford is a pretty good actor… Hard to believe he never won an Oscar… But I knew the Oscars were tainted when ‘Driving Miss Daisy’ won an Oscar for best film over ‘Do The Right Thing’… While this isn’t the hardest acting performance (Not hard to act outraged about blatant corruption and crime), he does a good job with it.

8. Does anybody play an untrustworthy shady-ass politician better than Murray Hamilton? It's like the Jaws' Mayor Vaughn all over again.

I've tried to find Mayor Vaughn's sport coat on eBay.

Why to not watch.
1. It’s not going to ‘Wow’ you and it can move slow at times and it has some predictableness… While I recommend the movie, it’s with some tepidness… After all, I recommended “There Will Be Blood” to people and they hated me for years.

2. At times it has a made-for-television feel to it, but that may just be because it was made in 1980… One of my favorite movies “All The Right Moves” has the same feel… So I wouldn’t flush it down the shitter for that reason alone… Just think it could have been so much better if it was done 10 years later... If it was done in 1994 (the same year as Shawshank Redemption) it may have been a superior film.

Best line of the movie: Lillian Gray: You can't reform the system if you're not in it.
Role that Robert Loggia should’ve been given: I think Robert Loggia could have pulled off Robert Redford’s role as Brubaker, but he might’ve been more suited to replace David Keith as the “lifer” prisoner who helps Brubaker institute some of his reforms.
Degrees to Kevin Bacon: James Keane is a 1… He was in Murder in the First (1995) with Kevin Bacon… Hard to believe that Morgan Freeman, Robert Redford, Murray Hamilton, David Keith, Nicolas Cage are all 2’s
Will you laugh: No.. It’s not a dramatic comedy.
Will you cry: No… You might have a shocked face once in a while, but no reason to cry… You might slow clap, though.
Can you watch it with your grandmother: Yes.
Can you watch it with your children: Meh… Depends on how old… I wouldn’t watch with anyone under 16 if it were me, but that’s because I’m a responsible adult… Although they don’t show it, you know dudes are being raped in a few scenes because of various noises.
Is it worse than "Grown Ups"?: No… But the people responsible for “Grown Ups” need to spend a few weeks at Brubaker’s prison.
Is it better than "Furry Vengeance"?: No… I’m taking Brendan Fraser over Robert Redford this one time.

On a scale from 1 to 32: I give it a 26.37... It’s a solid movie and everybody should watch it at least once… Not sure if I’d go out of the way for a second viewing, but I’d watch it a second time if it was on… But it never is.

(Pained Grunt)

It's a 'Might've Missed it Monday' where I review a film whose release most likely went by unnoticed...

Half Human, Half Vampire, Full Horrifically Dreadful

This Monday, we're reviewing... 'Blubberella’ (2011) [Note: I attempted to watch this movie last week and fell asleep in the middle of it... I wish I fell asleep in the middle of it again this week.]

Synopsis: This is usually where I say (Spoiler Alert), but there is nothing to spoil… I couldn’t find a plot… Blubberella is supposed to be half-human, half-vampire… Apparently all she does is eat food and kill Nazis and sometimes eat Nazis… After that, I’m not sure what the point of the movie is… Seemingly, Hitler’s not the bad guy… He’s even friends with Blubberella at one point… From what I gathered in the inane meandering of the movie some ‘Commandant’ is a puppet master dictating what the Nazis do… It was just asinine.

After viewing the movie, I did minimal research and learned this movie was part of some lame-ass “2-for-1” scheme by director Uwe Boll, who also plays Hitler… He originally made a movie called ‘BloodRayne: The Third Reich’… Then, using the same actors (except the main character “Rayne” who is replaced by the much larger “Blubberella”) and the same set, he made a “scene-for-scene” spoof of his own movie and then released both separately... Allegedly watching that movie first would make watching this movie more tolerable, but I don’t believe that for one second.

What role would've been better with Robert Loggia?: All of them except Blubberella… Robert Loggia isn’t going to have his name attached to the title role of a movie this awful… he’s effing Robert Loggia.

The meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ow of the movie: It’s actually just a “meh-ow”… Safiya Kaygin… You’re saying “who?”… And you’ll always say “who?” because she’s only been in two movies and they were both awful.

We'll meeeee-ow Safiya Kaygin even though we'll nevuh, evuh see her again... Nevuh, evuh?... Nevuh, evuh.

Why to watch?
1. There is no reason to watch… You know that’s something when I say it… I want to like these types of movies, so I usually give them the benefit of the doubt… This movie took my benefit of the doubt and kicked it in the Johnson.

• This isn’t a reason to watch, but I did learn a new term from the movie… “Dhampir”… It’s a word from Balkan folklore meaning the child of a vampire and human
• This also isn’t a reason to watch, but I did learn that the creepy ass weird dude who plays “Johnny Bark” in ‘Arrested Development' and “Nipples” in ‘Little Nicky’ and the mayor’s assistant in ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’ and the “I’m not what you would call a handsome man…” football fan from ‘The Waterboy’ is Ron Howard’s younger brother Clint Howard… In the words of Johnny Carson “I did not know that.”… Who knew? …  That’s Cal Ripken-Billy Ripken type shit right there.

The Billy Ripken of American Cinema

The movie should've ended after this scene two minutes in.

Why to not watch?
1. I knew it was going to be bad as soon as I saw the awful intro scene of Blubberella wielding two swords, poorly.
2. It gets worse with her official on-screen intro as "Blubberella, Half-Human, Half-Vampire, Mostly Dough"
3. It gets worser with Blubberella's voice-over where Blubberella drops about eight self-deprecating fat jokes in two minutes... And not funny ones... And then a reference to getting raped by her “friend Freud” who said she had replaced sex with food… I guess it was supposed to be a funny reference to Sigmund Freud, but it was just plain stupid.
4. Seven minutes into the movie they drop a “Homo says what?” joke and then shortly afterwards reference someone “butterface”… It’s at that point that I went back to IMDB to make sure this movie was actually made in 2011 as I thought I saw earlier, and not 1989 when those jokes were cutting edge.
5. Just a note to anybody making an alleged low-budget comedy… References in the movie talking about what is on the movie script are never funny… I know you’re trying to sell irony, but nobody is buying.
6. I guess it’s supposed to be funny, but the use of a Segway should only be reserved for Paul Blart… Also references to Elvis Presley, Mickey Rourke’s doctor and Boy George in a WWII era film are just stupid, no matter how funny they’re supposed to be.
7. An awful ‘Precious’-inspired vignette in the middle drones on about two minutes too long… It was about two minutes long.
8. Matrix-inspired bullet dodging scenes are also infinitely out-of-date.

Degrees to Kevin Bacon: Clint Howard is in Apollo 13 (1995) and End of the Line (1987) with Kevin Bacon…So he’s a 1… Everyone else in the movie is a 2, although Kevin Bacon is working hard to distance himself from everyone in this movie.

Best line of the movie: There actually are no good lines in this movie… Which is seemingly impossible… At some point every movie ever made has at least one “best line”… Even ‘Away We Go’ probably had one… The only good thing about this movie is if you have the closed-captioning on in NetFlix it describes the different grunts during the movie… i.e. (Effort Grunt) and (Pained Grunt)
Will you laugh: No… You won’t even laugh at how awful it is… At no point did I even think of laughing... Even when other thoughts wandered into my mind about circus bears riding unicycles.
Should you laugh: No... If I ever hear you laughed at any point during this movie, I will have you removed from my presence.
Will you cry: No
Can you watch it with your mother: No
Can you watch it with your children: No... Unless they are teenagers and this is part of a punishment in conjunction with being grounded.

Is it worse than ‘Grown Ups’?: As much as it pains me to say this, it is worse than ‘Grown Ups’… This movie was even too awful for Rhonda Sheers “Up All Night” on USA Network.

Rhonda Shear wouldn't even touch this train wreck.

Is it better than ‘Furry Vengeance’?: Hells no… Not even 1980 ‘Blue Lagoon’ Brooke Shields and ‘Encino Man’ Brendan Fraser could get this movie in the same hemisphere as ‘Furry Vengeance’.

On a scale from 0 to 32: I give it a 0.72... It was worse than awful… It had no redeeming value at all… The only reason I gave it over a 0 is because it allowed me to witness the worst acting performance in the history of the galaxy, by Willam Belli… Just atrocious… If he has a Screen Actors Guild card, it should be up for sale on CraigsList with used mattresses… Years from now I will tell my children’s children about the time I saw the worst acting performance in the history of the galaxy.

Throwback Thursday Movie Review: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

The movie is classic John Candy... The world was robbed of 100s of hours of entertainment.

Steve Martin and John Candy with a command performance.

Synopsis (Spoiler alert – not really): Neal Page (Steve Martin) is an ad executive… It’s early Tuesday evening and he needs to get from New York to Chicago for Thanksgiving … That’s when he first runs into Del Griffith (John Candy) … Hilarity ensues … It’s a better Thanksgiving movie than even ‘Home Alone’

The meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ow of the movie: There is none! It might be the highest rated non-meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ow movie in the history of the galaxy.

Why to watch?
1. One of the most impressive movie duos ever… I wish more movies would’ve been made with John Candy and Steve Martin together… And honestly I can’t believe they didn’t make more movies together … They were a perfect duo in this movie… They’re both loveable in the movie and by the end you want to have Thanksgiving dinner with Neal and Del.

I never really thought about it until this viewing, but I can’t think of any duo that has dominated a movie more than these two dominated this movie … They are THE two characters of the movie … There is really no one else … I didn’t take a stopwatch to it, but I can’t imagine any other character is in the movie for more than three or four minutes… Even Neal’s wife … Every “buddy” movie I can think of has a love interest or an antagonist who balances out the movie, but the antagonist and the love interest in this movie is “the journey home.”

2. Kevin Bacon! Might be his shortest role ever… He’s done four minutes into the movie, but it’s a brilliant four minutes… An homage to Quicksilver.

3. The whole family can watch it… That’s rare in this day and age… I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a movie and thought it was outstanding, but then realized the language and sexual references were inappropriate for children and would also make it awkward to watch with the parents… This movie can be watched by everyone from age 7 to 77… As long as you send the children and grandparents to the kitchen to get some SunChips and sarsaparilla after the lady at the car rental desk says “Gobble Gobble”

4. Is there any job Edie McClurg won't take? 184 film and TV credits... I'm not sure what the world record is, but she's nearing Michael Starr territory... Mr. Mentalino has 190 credits... Kevin Bacon only has 75… This is from her peak era… When she also played Bonnie Brindle on Small Wonder!

5. Singing in the Car!!!! This movie is one of the pioneers of the “singing in the car” vignette… Before Harry and Lloyd sang “Mockingbird”… Before Chris Farley and David Spade belted out “It’s The End of the World As We Know It” and some Spanish-language song… Before Wayne and Garth sang Bohemian Rhapsody… Neal and Del sing “Blue Moon of Kentucky”

6. He’s in it? ... Matthew Lawrence … Brother of Joey Lawrence … Whoooooaa!

7. John Hughes! Everything he touched was pretty spectacular… Shermer High School Football Rules!

Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? --- Delaying a flight to "Nowhere"

Why to not watch.
I can’t really think of a reason … The only complaint I have from the whole movie is some of the sloppiness towards the end … I didn’t notice until about my 20^th viewing that despite the fact that St. Louis is only 300 miles from Chicago, it seems to take them a long-long-long time to drive … They switch drivers on two separate occasions … But then after that there’s a scene that mentions stopping for gas and a sign is visible that says “Chicago 102 miles” … Unless it’s some craptastic rental car place like Enterprise, car rental places always give you a car filled with gas, so why would you have to fill up after 200 miles? … St. Louis to Chicago is definitely a one-tank trip … (Spoiler Alert from this point on) At this point the car catches on fire … At this point, a mere 102 miles from home, instead of calling for a ride the rest of the way, they decide to stay in a motel … The sloppiness continues as they are driving their destroyed vehicle the next morning when they are stopped by a Wisconsin State Police officer – portrayed by Michael McKeane (side note - Lenny from Laverne and Shirley has 223 film and TV credit... So he's more impressive than the aforementioned Michael Starr) for driving 78 miles per hour… Wisconsin isn’t on the way to Chicago from St. Louis … And the final bit of sloppiness… When they are stopped, you are given the impression that they’ve driven a little bit, at least long enough to belt out “Blue Moon of Kentucky” while driving 78 miles per hour, yet when they hitch a ride in the back of an 18-wheeler the rest of the way Del mentions they’ll be home in three hours… 90 miles in three hours?

Chicago ... 102 miles... Still three hours and a stop in Wisconsin away.

Lenny... From Laverne & Shirley... Apparently never left Wisconsin and became a state mountie.

But that’s it… Nothing else negative about this movie.

Best line of the movie: Del Griffith: “We’d have more luck playing pick-up sticks with your butt cheeks than getting out of here before day break.”
- or –
Neal Page: “Those aren’t pillows.”
Role that Robert Loggia should’ve been given: This is a tough one … As I said before, it’s just John Candy and Steve Martin and then a bunch of characters they have brief encounters with … Nobody that commands the amount of screen time that Robert Loggia commands … But I guess I’ll go with the Cab Dispatcher who punches Neal Page and then lifts him up by his testicles.
Degrees to Kevin Bacon: Kevin Bacon is in it! So everybody in the movie is a 1... Kevin's a 0!
Will you laugh: Yes
Should you laugh: Yes… It's laugh until you shart funny
Will you cry: My eyes welled up a couple of times.
Can you watch it with your grandmother: Yes… But mute at car rental counter scene.
Can you watch it with your children: Yes… But mute at car rental counter scene.
Is it worse than "Grown Ups"?: No… The first two minutes of the movie were more worthy of my cash dolla than Grown Ups.
Is it better than "Furry Vengeance"?: Yes!… I can’t believe I’m saying this, but “Yes!”

On a scale from 1 to 32: I give it a 30.24... Highest score I’ve given out so far … It’s one of the best comedies ever made and I venture to say one of the most underrated films of all time … You haven’t seen it yet? … You’re soooo stupid.

"What Has Two Wheels and Kills Werewolves?"

It's a 'Might've Missed it Monday' where I review a film whose release most likely went by unnoticed...

 

This Monday, we're reviewing... 'FDR: American Badass!’ (2012)

Synopsis (Spoiler Alert): Everyone knows FDR had polio… Not everybody knows he got it from getting bit by a werewolf… Not everybody knows that Hitler, Mussolini and Hirohito were werewolves… Not everyone knows FDR was the badass who single-handedly stopped them… But now they do.

 

What role would've been better with Robert Loggia?: Clearly Ray Wise was miscast as Douglas MacArthur... This role had Robert Loggia written all over it.

Keri Lynn Pratt... Meee-ow!

The meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ow of the movie: Keri Lynn Pratt… Meeeeeeee-ow. Not the greatest actress ever, but better than Sandra Bullock… If only we can get her a better agent so she’s not limited to ‘FDR: America Badass!’ and ‘Cruel Intentions 2’.

Why to watch?
1. Kevin Sorbo as Abraham Lincoln! … That sounds great… It sounds even better when you know he utters the line “Emancipate that ass”
2. Kenny from the Cosby Show! Bud! He hasn’t been in anything this cutting edge since the Kris Kross “Warm it Up” video.
3. It's a cross between 'Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer'; 'Teen Wolf' and one of those cornball mocking movies like 'Scary Movie'.
4. Irreverent lines like “Marco… Polio”… You’ll keep watching to say what stupid thing will be said next.
5. Is there any job Bruce McGill won't take? 145 film and TV credits... I'm not sure what the world record is, but he's nearing Michael Starr territory... Mr. Mentalino has 190 credits... Kevin Bacon only has 75… This is his most inspiring role since playing Sheriff Farley in “My Cousin Vinny”.

Why to not watch?1. I was worried at the beginning when Barry Bostwick, who was playing FDR, looked like he was going to do a Burgess Meredith as the Penguin impersonation the entire film. It was unbearable… He slipped back into it from time-to-time, but it wasn't as intense.
2. Lots of unnecessary, or maybe it is, vulgarity and crude jokes… So if you’re not into that, don’t watch.


Degrees to Kevin Bacon… Bruce McGill ('End of the Line' - 1987) and Ray Wise ('X-Men: First Class' - 2011) were both in movies with Kevin Bacon, so they're 1s, making the rest of the cast 2s.
Best line of the movie… Abraham Lincoln: Emancipate that ass!
Will you laugh: Yes
Should you laugh: Hmmmmm... Most of the time, no
Will you cry: No
Can you watch it with your mother: No
Can you watch it with your children: No
Is it worse than "Grown Ups"?: No... Although I went into it thinking 'shit... this could be worse than "Grown Ups", it was a lot better than that.
Is it better than "Furry Vengeance"?: No... But what is?

On a scale from 1 to 32: I give it an 18.56... It was better than average... You think that you're going to stop it early because of how awful it could be... But it ends up being not that awful... Actually entertaining at times.