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| Half Human, Half Vampire, Full Horrifically Dreadful |
This Monday, we're reviewing... 'Blubberella’ (2011) [Note: I attempted to watch this movie last week and fell asleep in the middle of it... I wish I fell asleep in the middle of it again this week.]
Synopsis: This is usually where I say (Spoiler Alert), but there is nothing to spoil… I couldn’t find a plot… Blubberella is supposed to be half-human, half-vampire… Apparently all she does is eat food and kill Nazis and sometimes eat Nazis… After that, I’m not sure what the point of the movie is… Seemingly, Hitler’s not the bad guy… He’s even friends with Blubberella at one point… From what I gathered in the inane meandering of the movie some ‘Commandant’ is a puppet master dictating what the Nazis do… It was just asinine.
After viewing the movie, I did minimal research and learned this movie was part of some lame-ass “2-for-1” scheme by director Uwe Boll, who also plays Hitler… He originally made a movie called ‘BloodRayne: The Third Reich’… Then, using the same actors (except the main character “Rayne” who is replaced by the much larger “Blubberella”) and the same set, he made a “scene-for-scene” spoof of his own movie and then released both separately... Allegedly watching that movie first would make watching this movie more tolerable, but I don’t believe that for one second.
What role would've been better with Robert Loggia?: All of them except Blubberella… Robert Loggia isn’t going to have his name attached to the title role of a movie this awful… he’s effing Robert Loggia.
The meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ow of the movie: It’s actually just a “meh-ow”… Safiya Kaygin… You’re saying “who?”… And you’ll always say “who?” because she’s only been in two movies and they were both awful.
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| We'll meeeee-ow Safiya Kaygin even though we'll nevuh, evuh see her again... Nevuh, evuh?... Nevuh, evuh. |
Why to watch?
1. There is no reason to watch… You know that’s something when I say it… I want to like these types of movies, so I usually give them the benefit of the doubt… This movie took my benefit of the doubt and kicked it in the Johnson.
- This isn’t a reason to watch, but I did learn a new term from the movie… “Dhampir”… It’s a word from Balkan folklore meaning the child of a vampire and human
- This also isn’t a reason to watch, but I did learn that the creepy ass weird dude who plays “Johnny Bark” in ‘Arrested Development' and “Nipples” in ‘Little Nicky’ and the mayor’s assistant in ‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’ and the “I’m not what you would call a handsome man…” football fan from ‘The Waterboy’ is Ron Howard’s younger brother Clint Howard… In the words of Johnny Carson “I did not know that.”… Who knew? … That’s Cal Ripken-Billy Ripken type shit right there.
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| The Billy Ripken of American Cinema |
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| The movie should've ended after this scene two minutes in. |
Why to not watch?
1. I knew it was going to be bad as soon as I saw the awful intro scene of Blubberella wielding two swords, poorly.
2. It gets worse with her official on-screen intro as "Blubberella, Half-Human, Half-Vampire, Mostly Dough"
3. It gets worser with Blubberella's voice-over where Blubberella drops about eight self-deprecating fat jokes in two minutes... And not funny ones... And then a reference to getting raped by her “friend Freud” who said she had replaced sex with food… I guess it was supposed to be a funny reference to Sigmund Freud, but it was just plain stupid.
4. Seven minutes into the movie they drop a “Homo says what?” joke and then shortly afterwards reference someone “butterface”… It’s at that point that I went back to IMDB to make sure this movie was actually made in 2011 as I thought I saw earlier, and not 1989 when those jokes were cutting edge.
5. Just a note to anybody making an alleged low-budget comedy… References in the movie talking about what is on the movie script are never funny… I know you’re trying to sell irony, but nobody is buying.
6. I guess it’s supposed to be funny, but the use of a Segway should only be reserved for Paul Blart… Also references to Elvis Presley, Mickey Rourke’s doctor and Boy George in a WWII era film are just stupid, no matter how funny they’re supposed to be.
7. An awful ‘Precious’-inspired vignette in the middle drones on about two minutes too long… It was about two minutes long.
8. Matrix-inspired bullet dodging scenes are also infinitely out-of-date.
Degrees to Kevin Bacon: Clint Howard is in Apollo 13 (1995) and End of the Line (1987) with Kevin Bacon…So he’s a 1… Everyone else in the movie is a 2, although Kevin Bacon is working hard to distance himself from everyone in this movie.
Best line of the movie: There actually are no good lines in this movie… Which is seemingly impossible… At some point every movie ever made has at least one “best line”… Even ‘Away We Go’ probably had one… The only good thing about this movie is if you have the closed-captioning on in NetFlix it describes the different grunts during the movie… i.e. (Effort Grunt) and (Pained Grunt)
Will you laugh: No… You won’t even laugh at how awful it is… At no point did I even think of laughing... Even when other thoughts wandered into my mind about circus bears riding unicycles.
Should you laugh: No... If I ever hear you laughed at any point during this movie, I will have you removed from my presence.
Will you cry: No
Can you watch it with your mother: No
Can you watch it with your children: No... Unless they are teenagers and this is part of a punishment in conjunction with being grounded.
Is it worse than ‘Grown Ups’?: As much as it pains me to say this, it is worse than ‘Grown Ups’… This movie was even too awful for Rhonda Sheers “Up All Night” on USA Network.
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| Rhonda Shear wouldn't even touch this train wreck. |
On a scale from 0 to 32: I give it a 0.72... It was worse than awful… It had no redeeming value at all… The only reason I gave it over a 0 is because it allowed me to witness the worst acting performance in the history of the galaxy, by Willam Belli… Just atrocious… If he has a Screen Actors Guild card, it should be up for sale on CraigsList with used mattresses… Years from now I will tell my children’s children about the time I saw the worst acting performance in the history of the galaxy.
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