Great Barbecue... but Without the Cretins

If you like to say you stood in a really long line go to Franklin BBQ, but if you’re a true fan of meat you might want to try one of these places listed at the bottom.

Today’s entry is going to come off as a little Austincentric, but I think the message applies anywhere in this great land.

When I got back into Bloglandia recently, I always knew it was going to be a topic early on because this really grinds my gears. But a friends Facebook entry yesterday accelerated the process.

A friend mentioned that some of his friends from Houston had driven out to Austin to get some barbecue at the now world-famous Franklin’s BBQ.

I implored “Don't do it! Go to John Mueller Meat Company!!! Meat's just as good and you don't have to wait in line with cretins and hipsters!”

Later on, someone replied “Best BBQ in Texas. Worth the drive and worth the wait”

Hwat? Are you serious with the “Best BBQ in Texas” statement? I guarantee this guy hasn’t been to more the 20 of the literally hundreds of BBQ places in Texas… There are literally hundreds… Every small town has one… And most of them are fantastic… And I know this guy hasn’t been to more than 5% of them… If he wants to say “Best BBQ I’ve eaten in Texas”, I might buy it.

At this point I need to fill people in one what “worth the wait” means… The standard wait at Franklin BBQ is two hours… I shit you not… Two hours... They open at 11 a.m., so you can get in line at 9 am… But even then there is a chance that a handful of hipsters got in line with their cooler of obscure microbrews that they pour into their mason jars at 8:45 a.m., so you’re not even first in line… And if you actually have a real job and can’t start your lunch break until 11 a.m., get in line behind 50 people and hope they still have meat at the counter when you get there at 1:30 p.m.

Look Mom! I waited in line with cretins!

I’m not slighting Franklin BBQ… Their brisket is amazing… And it might well be the best brisket in all the land… It’s as good as any I’ve ever had… But it’s not worth the two-hour wait.

This is where I sound like the guy who says he saw The Doors play back at London Fog in 1966… I was in on the ground level of Franklin BBQ… When I first started going, you could get there at 11 a.m. and there’d be one or two people there… Unfortunately I helped start spreading the word… Four months later, I started arriving at 10:40 and I’d sit in my car listening to the radio until the first person started waiting by the gate, then I’d jump out and be second in line… By 11 a.m. the line would be 10 deep… And the line doesn’t move fast… But it was still worth it… The brisket was amazing, the ribs were good and I was in line with BBQ lovers, talking about meat.

Photographic evidence that I was at The Doors concert at London Fog in 1966

But word of the epicness of Franklin’s BBQ started spreading like wildfire and people arrived earlier and the line got longer and the people in line no longer seemed to be BBQ lovers… They seemed to be hipsters, hippies and cretins… The last time I went to Franklin’s, the wait was 45 minutes… And I bid farewell to thee… Eating BBQ is a full-sensory experience… And my last trip was tainted by the noise of hipster and cretin chatter and the smell of smelly hippies… I sensed that just as many people were there to say they waited in line in at Franklin’s BBQ as there were people who waited in line to eat amazing brisket and good ribs.

These weren’t BBQ lovers… These were the same people who waited in line when the new iPhone came out… These were the people who became Red Sox fans after they broke The Curse… These were the same people who made Adam Lambert a star and Paris Hilton a celebrity… These people just wanted to be in the pictures of the long line of people waiting to get BBQ… And I have evidence to support my theory… There’s a place in Lexington, Texas called Snow’s BBQ… And it has brisket that, on more days than not, is on par with Franklin’s BBQ… It has amazing pork loin… It has ribs that are arguably better than Franklin’s every time out… Snow’s BBQ is 53 miles from Franklin’s BBQ… A one-hour drive… If these hipsters, hippies and cretins truly loved BBQ they can either take a two-hour round trip through scenic Central Texas to Snow’s to get BBQ or they can wait in line for two hours and 30 minutes at Franklin’s… Although Snow’s is always full and they do great business, there is rarely a line of more than five or six people at Snow’s… It’s not cool to be seen in a car driving to Snow’s like someone who truly loves BBQ would do… But these new-iPhone-waiting-in-line-for Red Sox/Adam Lambert/Paris Hilton fan taints will sit outside in the heat for 150 minutes with their Parcheesi boards and skinny jeans, to say they had Franklin’s.

Snow's... The same two-hour time investment, but with no cretins!

When people say “I waited in line for two hours at Franklin’s BBQ, it was worth the wait… Best BBQ in Texas”, I now respond with “Ohh… How did it compare with (name of any one of the amazing BBQ places in Texas)?” and 80 percent of the time they respond with “Ohhh… I’ve never been there.”… Of course you haven’t… You’re a hipster, hippy or cretin who just wanted to wait in line.

This phenomena isn’t exclusive to Franklin’s or Austin… Fortunately or unfortunately, barbecue is experiencing a renaissance… It was once an underground food… All the “in” people were gnawing on steak, bathing in lobster bisques, gorging on chicken cordon bleu and soaking their breasts in chocolate fountains, while us in the proletariat were left with the tough brisket or scrap pork… We made wonderful meat lemonade out of the meat lemons we were handed… I had a Big Green Egg and was smoking the boston butts and the briskets before it was cool… But word got out and the hipsters, hippies, cretins and others of the taint class came swarming… Now everyone wants the brisket and the pork with its gorgeous pink smoke ring.

A few years back someone told me about a spectacular BBQ place in the Dallas Farmer’s Market… Pecan Lodge… They told me I’d be hard-pressed to find a better beef rib and they have a barbecue pork topped sweet potato that would turn the world on its side… I stopped in on a drive to Oklahoma City one day and was floored… It was as good as advertised… There were just three people in line when I got there at 11 am that day… Then in May of 2012 it was featured on Diners Drive-ins and Dives… Crapballs… I went back before going to the Cotton Bowl this past January and there were 20 people in line when I got there at 11 am… It got even more pub when Texas Monthly named it one of the five best BBQ places in Texas… I stopped there at 11 am on a Thursday on my way to Colorado last month… I stopped counting when I got to 25 people in line and I wasn’t near halfway through the line… I estimate there were 60 people in line, but there may have been more… I didn’t stick around to partake… The wait would’ve definitely been over an hour… I lowered my head… Another place bit the dust.

Even College Station isn’t immune to it… I just moved here 11 months ago, but I immediately found the best BBQ place in town… Fargo’s… On Tuesdays and Saturdays they have rib tips from 11 am until they sell out… A mere 11 months ago, the place was a shit-hole store front… Only the brave would enter… I was there every chance I could make it there… You could get there at 12:30 pm and still get some of those little tips of heaven… But alas… Travel and Leisure magazine found out how awesome they were and word spread… They started running out of rib tips by Noon… Then they bought a sit-down restaurant property and more people flowed in… They started running out of rib tips by 11:30… Then Texas Monthly Magazine named them one of the Top 50 (not as high as Franklin’s, Snow’s or Pecan Lodge, but still lofty)… Now they sometimes run out of rib tips by 11:15… I’m thinking of spreading rumors of cockroach infestation.

BBQ is like the dog in ‘Of Mice and Men’… And you people are like Lenny… And you’re smothering it… Go back to your Starbucks and your sushi and your fancy gourmet places.

For those that like meat, but don’t like cretins, there are actually places in Austin with BBQ that are almost on par with, if not on par with Franklin’s BBQ that I’ve never waited more than 10 minutes to get served at.

John Mueller Meat Company – I may have just lucked out every single time I’ve been to this place, because I’ve heard they sometimes get long waits, but I’ve never waited more than 10 minutes… I’ve been here four times and I’ve never been disappointed… The brisket has always been perfect with an outstanding peppery crust and the pork shoulder gives me goose bumps… The next time I need to expand to the other items, but I’m sure they’ll be delightful… And every time I’ve been to John Mueller Meat Company there’s been a band wailing out country music and 80’s rock and a cooler of Lone Star waiting for me to grab one to drink during my short wait.

With a name like Mueller, it's gotta be great... This brisket is dreamy.

Stiles Switch BBQ – Franklin BBQ has a sandwich called The Tipsy Texan… Stiles Switch BBQ has a sandwich that trumps it called Buford T’s Diablo Sandwich… Best BBQ sandwich in Austin… Sliced brisket, sliced link of sausage, sliced jalapenos and BBQ sauce… It’s a dream on a bun… Their beef rib is amazing… Brisket and spare ribs are first class… And their sides are among the best of any BBQ place in the state… The corn casserole and mac-n-cheese always make me giddy like a little girl on prom night… I have honestly never waited in line here… The only negative is that I sometimes forget they’re closed on Monday… You know that 14.3% of all meals are eaten on Monday?

The Buford T Diablo Sandwich... Get me a Docta Peppa!... Best BBQ-related sandwich in all of Austin.

Blue Ox BBQ – I’ve only been to Blue Ox once, but the Espresso Rubbed Pork Tenderloin has floated through my dreams on more than one occasion and the brisket was moist and delicious… And on Sunday they have all-you-can eat pancakes… Which for me is “a lot”.

The Pork Loin at Blue Ox BBQ is one of the best pork-related products you will ever devour.

Mickelthwait Craft Meats – As far as a complete meal at a BBQ place, I’m tempted to say I’ve never had a better one than the one I had at Michelthwait Craft Meats… All they use to season their pork ribs is salt and pepper and it comes out amazing… Their pork belly andouille is extraordinary… Their sausages vary daily, so every day is like a box of sausage! … Round it out with the jalapeno cheese grits (the best side dish I’ve had at any BBQ place) and a homemade moon pie and you have the perfect meal… With a no minute wait... Thanks to fellow BBQ lover Travis Feldhaus for enlightening me on this gem.

The best all-around meal you'll get at any BBQ place in Austin.

If you tell me, I can either spend two-plus hours waiting in line at Franklin’s BBQ or spend my two hours stopping at all four of these places in one day, I’ll go eat at these four places… I’ve surrendered Franklin’s BBQ to the hipsters, hippies and cretins and headed to a better place.