My First Time... A Life Changing Experience

I remember my first time… Like it was yesterday… It was mid-August… Of the year 2000.

Driven to the moment by the urge for a shriveled up wiener.

Having hidden out in New Mexico until the Y2K bug had safely passed, I had embarked on a new adventure in New Jersey in May 2000… The first few months were whirlwind as I got up to speed with my new job at Monmouth University and benefited from a free 11-day trip to France and Switzerland the beginning of August… The third weekend in August was my last moment to relax before the 2000-01 athletic season began with the field hockey and the soccers and the football and hwat not… The third weekend in August is when I went for that shriveled up wiener.

I traveled 60 miles for this shriveled up wiener… The first time I ever traveled for the expressed purpose of eating food... It was worth it… Life would never be the same

The shriveled up wiener… The Ripper… The semi-famous hot dog at Rutt’s Hut in Clifton, New Jersey… I had it seen the year before on a PBS program called “A Hotdog Program”… The show highlighted a handful of restaurants across the nation which were serving up wieners in various different manners.

The Ripper (on the left)... The shriveled up wiener that changed my life... If you're into neon green relish (I'm not), the right is the dog for you.

Rutt’s Hut, which is located in the shadow of Meadowlands Stadium - seriously, the guy who whacked Jimmy Hoffa probably ate here before he buried the union leader in the end zone, features a deep-fried hot dog… And it’s so delicious… They call the basic hot dog “The Ripper” because it’s deep fried until the skin rips open… When you hear deep-fried, you think the hot dog is going to be greasy... But it’s anything but… The outside is crisp and the inside is juicy, with a little bit of enchantment in every bite… In the future, on drives from Monmouth to Amherst, Ohio I would stop at Rutt’s Hut and buy two Rippers to eat there and then buy four more Rippers which I’d wrap in aluminum foil and toss in a cooler and eat on the rest of the eight-hour journey home.


After devouring that wiener, life would never be the same… My culinary life before this moment was bland… Embarrassingly bland.

A lot of factors played into the blandness.

Growing up in subrural Cleveland, the Dicks didn’t vacation much… Us youngsters always had weekends filled with the baseball and the Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts and the football and the soccer (they called me Anvil Toe) and the softball and the newspaper routes… And because in most cases those days labor unions were just pseudo-pyramid schemes that only benefited the lazy old people, my dad was always left with off-peak weeks of vacation like the third week in February and the second week in October… So there weren’t many vacations for the Dicks… When you don’t travel much, you don’t travel for food much… We did go to the 1982 World’s Fair in Knoxville, Tennessee… Which ironically is where Cherry Coke first debuted and McDonald’s first unveiled the McRib Sandwich outside of its initial “test marketing” in the Midwest in 1981… And for the next 10 years we thought we were on the culinary cutting edge because we were among the first to experience the two culinary marvels of Americana.

Another factor is food travel television had not yet seen the success it now enjoys… Anthony Bourdain’s “A Cook’s Tour” would debut a year later and would be a bust… His second offering “No Reservations” would appear in 2005…  Diners, Drive-ins and Dives (2006) was still six years away… No one even thought of anything as awesome as  Man vs. Food (2008)… It was nearly a decade before Best Thing I Ever Ate (2009) debuted… Up until that point, a naïve Thomas thought everybody ate at Hot Dog Heaven and The Chatterbox and McDonald’s and pizza at Chicken Galore and Olde Town(e) Pizza… My cheeseburgers had cheese… American cheese… And if we got crazy, it had bacon… My pancakes were buttermilk… And if we got crazy, it had blueberries… I had heard of the concept of “regional food”, but I thought it was a myth… Like the Loch Ness Monster and Eskimo(e)s… A "Hot Dog Program" opened my eyes… And the first chance I had to try one of the places featured, I was all over that shriveled up wiener.

Also in those days I wasn’t even saying “The Internet Is Going to Be Huge Someday” yet... Yelp wasn’t started until 2004… Trip Advisor was in its infancy… Urbanspoon didn’t come around until 2007… Roadfood and Chowhound were nowhere to be found… That rhymed.

Cutting edge culinary experiences for wee baby Thomas in the 1980s.

The final factor was personal financing… The Dicks didn’t eat out much… Partly because we weren't loaded... Partly because who really needed to? … Regi makes awesome lasagna… And chicken paprikas… And tacos… And city chicken… And meatloaf… When we did eat out, there weren’t many choices in the then-culinarily devoid Lorain County… Chicken McNuggets Shanghai was the extent of the Dicks pushing the culinary envelope... A special event called for a visit to Chi-Chi’s… And once in my first 18 years we even ate at Red Lobster!, which was like the greatest eating experience ever… In college at Baldwin-Wallace College, life consisted of dorm cafeteria food, 10-cent wing night at The Oriole Cafe, crunchy peanut butter and an occasional trip of decadence to Olive Garden for all the breadsticks and zuppa toscana you can devour... After that life took me to Statesboro, Georgia and Atlanta Georgia and Wilmington, North Carolina and Las Cruces, New Mexico for graduate school and an internship and an entry-level job… All stops had me living under the poverty level, which meant Ramen noodles and lots of apartment made Prego spaghetti and all the leftover press box food I could fit in my knapsack… The summer of 2000 is the first time I truly made a livable wage which made culinary adventuring and that first search for the shriveled up wiener possible.

After that first wiener, life changed… That wiener I just devoured was a bite of America… And I wanted more America… I now wanted to try other wienerss… See who was doing them different… See if they were doing them better… Maybe Hot Dog Johnny’s in Buttzville… Or Gray’s Papaya in NYC… Or Nathan’s Famous in Coney Island… Then I thought why stop at Hot Dogs… There were adventures into Philadelphia to try the various cheesesteaks… And random trips to the fantastic diner scene in driving distance in New Jersey… And sauseege and meat and cheese, wherever I can get it… And why not jump on the train into New York City for some cheesecake.

At that moment I made an agreement with myself to never settle for normal food when on road trips, if possible… Even if it meant forgoing a free team meal to go find some otherworldly cheese fries or an extraordinary burrito… The team can go eat a free meal at Jason’s Deli… I’m headed to Mick’s Karma Bar.

From the moment of that shriveled wiener, I’ve done some sort of research prior to every trip … A little bit of internet research… A little bit of advanced intel from my people on the streets… A little bit of consulting my notebooks where I jot down notes for potential stops… Yes, I have some notebooks… A little bit of consulting the locals upon arrival.

And now a big part of all vacations is finding food… Whether it be Curtis’ All-American BBQ in Putney, Vermont or Lambert’s Café in Ozarks, Missouruh or Gus’s World Famous Fried Chicken in Memphis, Tennessee or Gorilla BBQ in Pacifica, California… Every trip is more exciting with more exciting food.

Traveling for food... Passing it on to the next generation.

People laugh when I’m willing to drive 80 miles for fried chicken and pie… But if it’s what you love, no distance is too far… And I love America and its wieners and sauseeges and meat and pie and America fries... And each new food adventure is like experiencing that first time all over again.

The Quintessential Quintet for the Week (8/16/13)

Five Things From The Week That Was...

1. Pleasant Surprise

Kogi... A surprise from heaven.

Anyone who knows me knows that when I’m out of town, I put a great deal of pride and work into planning my meals to eat something that’s not McDonald’s/Subway/Panera/Applebee’s… Something local and hopefully something extraordinary… I was struggling on my recent trip to Irvine, California without a vehicle… With the exception of a world-class hamburger place around the corner that I ate at the first day in town, everything else that showed promise was about two miles away… That meant either a $20 round-trip taxi ride or an hour walk to something local… Something extraordinary… On Wednesday, I was fixing to make the two-mile walk to lunch… A shady place called Meguiar’s Dumpster BBQ… It lacks a website and I couldn’t find hours of operation, but I was going to have some faith, despite the fact that it was apparently a group of guys grilling in a parking lot in the vicinity of a dumpster (truth in advertising advocates rejoice)… But upon stepping out of the front doors of the hotel I spotted a surprise… A Kogi BBQ Truck! … They’re semi-World Famous… Especially in the Foodie World… Since I wasn’t expecting it, I wasn’t prepared to order… I get menu anxiety at places I’ve never been to, so I decided to counteract it by shotgun ordering… A Sweet Chili Chicken Quesadilla (“Caramelized onions, chicken and our sweet and spicy salsa naranja join forces with our crisp and chewy flour tortillas generously stuffed with ooey gooey jack and cheddar cheeses. It’s then topped with toasted crushed sesame seeds.”), A Short Rib Burrito and a Grilled Cheezy Weezy! (“Bangkok street style grilled cheese sandwich, bananas, satay peanut butter, Thai chili sauce”)... Three lunches for normal people, but I’m abnormal... And I ate them all... Every bite… They were all fantastic… If you’re in LA or going to LA… check at www.kogibbq.com to see if a truck will be near you… Despite overeating in my first round, I almost ran to get another burrito before boarding the bus to head to our soccer game.

2. It’ll Always Be Fa-La-La-La-Lifetime To Me

Haylie Duff... A cross between Hillary Duff and Secretariat!... But meeee-ow anyhow.

More great news on the Fa-La-La-La-Lifetime front… On Tuesday, The Hallmark Channel announcing another original… “Hats Off To Christmas!” (exclamation mark in the title… but I’d probably equally exclaim it)… Haylie Duff and Antonio Cupo star… Haylie plays a manager in a Christmas hat shop (seems like a small market)… Cupo plays a guy named Nick (hmmmmm St. Nick, maybe)… Any how, it should be a beaut (pronounced like ‘butte’, not ‘beauty’ misspelled)... If that doesn't get you excited, I don't know what will... Christmas in 131 days!

3. It’s a Helmet… And a Bowl!

The Helmet Sundae... The American Way to Celebrate Happiness and Cure Sadness

There’s nothing more American than a helmet sundae!... Try finding one in Communist Russia… Or Socialist France… Wednesday I used the last of the six Freddy’s “Free Helmet Sundae” coupons I dug out of the discarded junk mail bin at my apartment complex… They are delicious… If you’ve never had Freddy’s Frozen Custard or one of their steakburgers, get there… Unfortunately, they don’t have an MLB licensing deal, so you’re stuck getting a Freddy’s Helmet… The history of the helmet sundae dates back to the 1970s… You can find the history of the helmet sundae here... Eric Lichtenberg is the foremost historian of the helmet sundae. 

4. What’s the Wurst Thing That Can Happen?

Santa Claus eats at State Street Brats!

The Miltown at Millwaukee Brat House

Wurst Fest always brings a smile to the face... As only a 10-day celebration of sausage can.

Today (August 16) is National Bratwurst Day!... If that doesn’t get you excited I don’t know what will… I’ve had bratwurst all over the land, but clearly the best place to get bratwurst is Wisconsin… If you’re in Madison, go to State Street Brats… They’re slinging stately links of heaven… The best bratwurst-related item I’ve ever had was in Milwaukee at the Milwaukee Brat House… The Miltown... A brat topped with chedduh cheese, sauteed onions and mushrooms... There’s drool on my keyboard now… For me, in addition to eating one of my favorite foods, today will be an exciting warmup for one of my favorite festivals of the year… Wurst Fest in New Braunfels… This year it’s from Nov. 1-10… If you’re within a 10-hour drive, get there… It’s a glorious event… A 10-day salute to sauseege!... Bring your lederhosen.

5. This Week’s Dog: Smaska!

A Dog Lunch Box... Not a Lunch Box for Dogs... A Lunch Box Shaped Like a Dog

I know I’m supposed to highlight Americana and this is sort of Swedishcana… But look at it! It’s a lunch box sold for children at IKEA… Of course my sister Alexis decided it was perfect for me… She got me the gift for $3.99 to pay me back for the $8 hot dog/French fries, er, America fries! combo I bought her… But who’s keeping track… This is well worth the $3.99 and I’m already hauling my lunch to work in this beaut (pronounced like ‘butte’, not ‘beauty’ misspelled)… Pick up this awesome lunch box for your children or adults here… The ears are latches!

______________________________________________________________________

Sorry I missed the last three days... A lot busier than I thought I'd be on the road... And I didn't have anything "in the can". 

Until Monday... Deuces... And Duck Face

#H54F

Madonna!... Of the Trail

I tried to review a movie on two different occasions for “Might’ve Missed It” Monday Movie Review, but they were both so awful I fell asleep… And I didn’t have the time to try a third one… So instead we’re going to throw some Americana at you this fine Monday.

Bucket lists have become popular lately… People picking things they want to see and do before they kick the bucket… I can’t do a list, because every time I cross something off, I add four more things… It just keeps getting longer. 

It just happened again on my recent drive back to Texas from Colorado… I often map out trips ahead of time to see what bits of Americana I can see… World’s Largest Ball of Twine… Ferris Bueller's high school… A restaurant where they throw’d rolls at you.

And so it was on my drive home from Colorado… I had grand plans to find Cousin Eddie’s house from National Lampoon’s Vacation… Although in the movie, the house is listed as being in Coolidge, Kansas, my intel was telling me it was on U.S. 50 – East of Pueblo… It was on one of four potential routes home and the longest by an hour or so, so I was only going to give the search for Cousin Eddie’s house one shot due to time constraints… Although I saw a handful of houses that might’ve passed for Cousin Eddie’s house, none of them appeared to have the distinctive barnish building in back… I’ll have to get better intel next time and see if the building was knocked down or I just missed seeing it.

I didn't see the barn or Cousin Dale's stack of nudy magazines.

Side note:  John P. Navin Jr who played Cousin Dale was the very first customer shown on the very first episode of "Cheers"

Having missed my intended target on that part of the highway, I fired up the old Google search on the iPhone to see what I might find up the road… 50 percent of what I find is planned ahead, but about 50 percent is gleaned from Googling and driving (don’t tell Oprah)… When a sign says “Blank City 40 miles”, you just type in Blank City and see what comes up… I was approaching Lamar, Colorado and that’s when I stumbled on her… The Madonna of the Trail statue would be approaching in Lamar… Originally I thought it was “The” Madonna of the Trail statue, but it upon further research it turned out to be “A” Madonna of the Trail statue… One of a dozen spangling the roadsides from sea to shining sea.

The statues aren’t exactly marvels… Just 12-foot high granite statues of a Pioneer Mother with a baby in one arm and a young boy clinging to her apron and she appears to be packing heat with a shotgun in her free hand.

The Madonna of the Trail statue in Lamar, Colorado

Sculpted by August Leimbach, the statues were commissioned by the National Society of the Daughters of the American Revolution with the idea that 12 identical statues would be placed along the “National Old Trails Road” which included Braddock’s Road (used by British soldiers during the French and Indian War), Columbia Pike, the Great Valley Road, Wilderness Road (used by Daniel Boone to cut across the Cumberland Gap), Cumberland Road, Santa Fe Trail and Oregon Trail… Later parts of the “National Old Trails Road” would become “Route 66”

In an interesting note, Judge Harry S. Truman was the chairman of the National Old Trail Roads Committee and was responsible for selecting the 12 locations... Nearly two decades before becoming president.

The first monument was erected on July 4, 1928 in Springfield Ohio… Over the next year 11 more were sprinkled throughout the US for a dozen across the board… Having seen one of the 12, I now want to see all of them as it will take me to all points of America… The other cites besides Springfield and Lamar include Bethesda, Maryland; Beallsville, Pennsylvania; Wheeling, West Virginia; Richmond, Indiana; Vandalia, Illinois; Lexington, Missouri; Council Grove, Kansas; Albuquerque, New Mexico; Springerville, Arizona and Upland, California... Track them down yourself here.

With the exception of the one in Bethesda (East) and Upland (South), all of the Madonna’s are facing West.

While not marvels, they are very striking upon first appearance and serve as a fitting tribute to the Pioneer Women who faced unimaginable hardships.

So… There you go… The bucket list that doesn’t exist because it’s too long just got longer… 11 more places I need to see… Although the statues are identical, the towns and journeys to the towns are not.

And I still need to see Cousin Eddie's house.

Throwback Thursday Movie Review: Planes, Trains and Automobiles

The movie is classic John Candy... The world was robbed of 100s of hours of entertainment.

Steve Martin and John Candy with a command performance.

Synopsis (Spoiler alert – not really): Neal Page (Steve Martin) is an ad executive… It’s early Tuesday evening and he needs to get from New York to Chicago for Thanksgiving … That’s when he first runs into Del Griffith (John Candy) … Hilarity ensues … It’s a better Thanksgiving movie than even ‘Home Alone’

The meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ow of the movie: There is none! It might be the highest rated non-meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ow movie in the history of the galaxy.

Why to watch?
1. One of the most impressive movie duos ever… I wish more movies would’ve been made with John Candy and Steve Martin together… And honestly I can’t believe they didn’t make more movies together … They were a perfect duo in this movie… They’re both loveable in the movie and by the end you want to have Thanksgiving dinner with Neal and Del.

I never really thought about it until this viewing, but I can’t think of any duo that has dominated a movie more than these two dominated this movie … They are THE two characters of the movie … There is really no one else … I didn’t take a stopwatch to it, but I can’t imagine any other character is in the movie for more than three or four minutes… Even Neal’s wife … Every “buddy” movie I can think of has a love interest or an antagonist who balances out the movie, but the antagonist and the love interest in this movie is “the journey home.”

2. Kevin Bacon! Might be his shortest role ever… He’s done four minutes into the movie, but it’s a brilliant four minutes… An homage to Quicksilver.

3. The whole family can watch it… That’s rare in this day and age… I don’t know how many times I’ve seen a movie and thought it was outstanding, but then realized the language and sexual references were inappropriate for children and would also make it awkward to watch with the parents… This movie can be watched by everyone from age 7 to 77… As long as you send the children and grandparents to the kitchen to get some SunChips and sarsaparilla after the lady at the car rental desk says “Gobble Gobble”

4. Is there any job Edie McClurg won't take? 184 film and TV credits... I'm not sure what the world record is, but she's nearing Michael Starr territory... Mr. Mentalino has 190 credits... Kevin Bacon only has 75… This is from her peak era… When she also played Bonnie Brindle on Small Wonder!

5. Singing in the Car!!!! This movie is one of the pioneers of the “singing in the car” vignette… Before Harry and Lloyd sang “Mockingbird”… Before Chris Farley and David Spade belted out “It’s The End of the World As We Know It” and some Spanish-language song… Before Wayne and Garth sang Bohemian Rhapsody… Neal and Del sing “Blue Moon of Kentucky”

6. He’s in it? ... Matthew Lawrence … Brother of Joey Lawrence … Whoooooaa!

7. John Hughes! Everything he touched was pretty spectacular… Shermer High School Football Rules!

Bueller? Bueller? Bueller? --- Delaying a flight to "Nowhere"

Why to not watch.
I can’t really think of a reason … The only complaint I have from the whole movie is some of the sloppiness towards the end … I didn’t notice until about my 20^th viewing that despite the fact that St. Louis is only 300 miles from Chicago, it seems to take them a long-long-long time to drive … They switch drivers on two separate occasions … But then after that there’s a scene that mentions stopping for gas and a sign is visible that says “Chicago 102 miles” … Unless it’s some craptastic rental car place like Enterprise, car rental places always give you a car filled with gas, so why would you have to fill up after 200 miles? … St. Louis to Chicago is definitely a one-tank trip … (Spoiler Alert from this point on) At this point the car catches on fire … At this point, a mere 102 miles from home, instead of calling for a ride the rest of the way, they decide to stay in a motel … The sloppiness continues as they are driving their destroyed vehicle the next morning when they are stopped by a Wisconsin State Police officer – portrayed by Michael McKeane (side note - Lenny from Laverne and Shirley has 223 film and TV credit... So he's more impressive than the aforementioned Michael Starr) for driving 78 miles per hour… Wisconsin isn’t on the way to Chicago from St. Louis … And the final bit of sloppiness… When they are stopped, you are given the impression that they’ve driven a little bit, at least long enough to belt out “Blue Moon of Kentucky” while driving 78 miles per hour, yet when they hitch a ride in the back of an 18-wheeler the rest of the way Del mentions they’ll be home in three hours… 90 miles in three hours?

Chicago ... 102 miles... Still three hours and a stop in Wisconsin away.

Lenny... From Laverne & Shirley... Apparently never left Wisconsin and became a state mountie.

But that’s it… Nothing else negative about this movie.

Best line of the movie: Del Griffith: “We’d have more luck playing pick-up sticks with your butt cheeks than getting out of here before day break.”
- or –
Neal Page: “Those aren’t pillows.”
Role that Robert Loggia should’ve been given: This is a tough one … As I said before, it’s just John Candy and Steve Martin and then a bunch of characters they have brief encounters with … Nobody that commands the amount of screen time that Robert Loggia commands … But I guess I’ll go with the Cab Dispatcher who punches Neal Page and then lifts him up by his testicles.
Degrees to Kevin Bacon: Kevin Bacon is in it! So everybody in the movie is a 1... Kevin's a 0!
Will you laugh: Yes
Should you laugh: Yes… It's laugh until you shart funny
Will you cry: My eyes welled up a couple of times.
Can you watch it with your grandmother: Yes… But mute at car rental counter scene.
Can you watch it with your children: Yes… But mute at car rental counter scene.
Is it worse than "Grown Ups"?: No… The first two minutes of the movie were more worthy of my cash dolla than Grown Ups.
Is it better than "Furry Vengeance"?: Yes!… I can’t believe I’m saying this, but “Yes!”

On a scale from 1 to 32: I give it a 30.24... Highest score I’ve given out so far … It’s one of the best comedies ever made and I venture to say one of the most underrated films of all time … You haven’t seen it yet? … You’re soooo stupid.

Great Barbecue... but Without the Cretins

If you like to say you stood in a really long line go to Franklin BBQ, but if you’re a true fan of meat you might want to try one of these places listed at the bottom.

Today’s entry is going to come off as a little Austincentric, but I think the message applies anywhere in this great land.

When I got back into Bloglandia recently, I always knew it was going to be a topic early on because this really grinds my gears. But a friends Facebook entry yesterday accelerated the process.

A friend mentioned that some of his friends from Houston had driven out to Austin to get some barbecue at the now world-famous Franklin’s BBQ.

I implored “Don't do it! Go to John Mueller Meat Company!!! Meat's just as good and you don't have to wait in line with cretins and hipsters!”

Later on, someone replied “Best BBQ in Texas. Worth the drive and worth the wait”

Hwat? Are you serious with the “Best BBQ in Texas” statement? I guarantee this guy hasn’t been to more the 20 of the literally hundreds of BBQ places in Texas… There are literally hundreds… Every small town has one… And most of them are fantastic… And I know this guy hasn’t been to more than 5% of them… If he wants to say “Best BBQ I’ve eaten in Texas”, I might buy it.

At this point I need to fill people in one what “worth the wait” means… The standard wait at Franklin BBQ is two hours… I shit you not… Two hours... They open at 11 a.m., so you can get in line at 9 am… But even then there is a chance that a handful of hipsters got in line with their cooler of obscure microbrews that they pour into their mason jars at 8:45 a.m., so you’re not even first in line… And if you actually have a real job and can’t start your lunch break until 11 a.m., get in line behind 50 people and hope they still have meat at the counter when you get there at 1:30 p.m.

Look Mom! I waited in line with cretins!

I’m not slighting Franklin BBQ… Their brisket is amazing… And it might well be the best brisket in all the land… It’s as good as any I’ve ever had… But it’s not worth the two-hour wait.

This is where I sound like the guy who says he saw The Doors play back at London Fog in 1966… I was in on the ground level of Franklin BBQ… When I first started going, you could get there at 11 a.m. and there’d be one or two people there… Unfortunately I helped start spreading the word… Four months later, I started arriving at 10:40 and I’d sit in my car listening to the radio until the first person started waiting by the gate, then I’d jump out and be second in line… By 11 a.m. the line would be 10 deep… And the line doesn’t move fast… But it was still worth it… The brisket was amazing, the ribs were good and I was in line with BBQ lovers, talking about meat.

Photographic evidence that I was at The Doors concert at London Fog in 1966

But word of the epicness of Franklin’s BBQ started spreading like wildfire and people arrived earlier and the line got longer and the people in line no longer seemed to be BBQ lovers… They seemed to be hipsters, hippies and cretins… The last time I went to Franklin’s, the wait was 45 minutes… And I bid farewell to thee… Eating BBQ is a full-sensory experience… And my last trip was tainted by the noise of hipster and cretin chatter and the smell of smelly hippies… I sensed that just as many people were there to say they waited in line in at Franklin’s BBQ as there were people who waited in line to eat amazing brisket and good ribs.

These weren’t BBQ lovers… These were the same people who waited in line when the new iPhone came out… These were the people who became Red Sox fans after they broke The Curse… These were the same people who made Adam Lambert a star and Paris Hilton a celebrity… These people just wanted to be in the pictures of the long line of people waiting to get BBQ… And I have evidence to support my theory… There’s a place in Lexington, Texas called Snow’s BBQ… And it has brisket that, on more days than not, is on par with Franklin’s BBQ… It has amazing pork loin… It has ribs that are arguably better than Franklin’s every time out… Snow’s BBQ is 53 miles from Franklin’s BBQ… A one-hour drive… If these hipsters, hippies and cretins truly loved BBQ they can either take a two-hour round trip through scenic Central Texas to Snow’s to get BBQ or they can wait in line for two hours and 30 minutes at Franklin’s… Although Snow’s is always full and they do great business, there is rarely a line of more than five or six people at Snow’s… It’s not cool to be seen in a car driving to Snow’s like someone who truly loves BBQ would do… But these new-iPhone-waiting-in-line-for Red Sox/Adam Lambert/Paris Hilton fan taints will sit outside in the heat for 150 minutes with their Parcheesi boards and skinny jeans, to say they had Franklin’s.

Snow's... The same two-hour time investment, but with no cretins!

When people say “I waited in line for two hours at Franklin’s BBQ, it was worth the wait… Best BBQ in Texas”, I now respond with “Ohh… How did it compare with (name of any one of the amazing BBQ places in Texas)?” and 80 percent of the time they respond with “Ohhh… I’ve never been there.”… Of course you haven’t… You’re a hipster, hippy or cretin who just wanted to wait in line.

This phenomena isn’t exclusive to Franklin’s or Austin… Fortunately or unfortunately, barbecue is experiencing a renaissance… It was once an underground food… All the “in” people were gnawing on steak, bathing in lobster bisques, gorging on chicken cordon bleu and soaking their breasts in chocolate fountains, while us in the proletariat were left with the tough brisket or scrap pork… We made wonderful meat lemonade out of the meat lemons we were handed… I had a Big Green Egg and was smoking the boston butts and the briskets before it was cool… But word got out and the hipsters, hippies, cretins and others of the taint class came swarming… Now everyone wants the brisket and the pork with its gorgeous pink smoke ring.

A few years back someone told me about a spectacular BBQ place in the Dallas Farmer’s Market… Pecan Lodge… They told me I’d be hard-pressed to find a better beef rib and they have a barbecue pork topped sweet potato that would turn the world on its side… I stopped in on a drive to Oklahoma City one day and was floored… It was as good as advertised… There were just three people in line when I got there at 11 am that day… Then in May of 2012 it was featured on Diners Drive-ins and Dives… Crapballs… I went back before going to the Cotton Bowl this past January and there were 20 people in line when I got there at 11 am… It got even more pub when Texas Monthly named it one of the five best BBQ places in Texas… I stopped there at 11 am on a Thursday on my way to Colorado last month… I stopped counting when I got to 25 people in line and I wasn’t near halfway through the line… I estimate there were 60 people in line, but there may have been more… I didn’t stick around to partake… The wait would’ve definitely been over an hour… I lowered my head… Another place bit the dust.

Even College Station isn’t immune to it… I just moved here 11 months ago, but I immediately found the best BBQ place in town… Fargo’s… On Tuesdays and Saturdays they have rib tips from 11 am until they sell out… A mere 11 months ago, the place was a shit-hole store front… Only the brave would enter… I was there every chance I could make it there… You could get there at 12:30 pm and still get some of those little tips of heaven… But alas… Travel and Leisure magazine found out how awesome they were and word spread… They started running out of rib tips by Noon… Then they bought a sit-down restaurant property and more people flowed in… They started running out of rib tips by 11:30… Then Texas Monthly Magazine named them one of the Top 50 (not as high as Franklin’s, Snow’s or Pecan Lodge, but still lofty)… Now they sometimes run out of rib tips by 11:15… I’m thinking of spreading rumors of cockroach infestation.

BBQ is like the dog in ‘Of Mice and Men’… And you people are like Lenny… And you’re smothering it… Go back to your Starbucks and your sushi and your fancy gourmet places.

For those that like meat, but don’t like cretins, there are actually places in Austin with BBQ that are almost on par with, if not on par with Franklin’s BBQ that I’ve never waited more than 10 minutes to get served at.

John Mueller Meat Company – I may have just lucked out every single time I’ve been to this place, because I’ve heard they sometimes get long waits, but I’ve never waited more than 10 minutes… I’ve been here four times and I’ve never been disappointed… The brisket has always been perfect with an outstanding peppery crust and the pork shoulder gives me goose bumps… The next time I need to expand to the other items, but I’m sure they’ll be delightful… And every time I’ve been to John Mueller Meat Company there’s been a band wailing out country music and 80’s rock and a cooler of Lone Star waiting for me to grab one to drink during my short wait.

With a name like Mueller, it's gotta be great... This brisket is dreamy.

Stiles Switch BBQ – Franklin BBQ has a sandwich called The Tipsy Texan… Stiles Switch BBQ has a sandwich that trumps it called Buford T’s Diablo Sandwich… Best BBQ sandwich in Austin… Sliced brisket, sliced link of sausage, sliced jalapenos and BBQ sauce… It’s a dream on a bun… Their beef rib is amazing… Brisket and spare ribs are first class… And their sides are among the best of any BBQ place in the state… The corn casserole and mac-n-cheese always make me giddy like a little girl on prom night… I have honestly never waited in line here… The only negative is that I sometimes forget they’re closed on Monday… You know that 14.3% of all meals are eaten on Monday?

The Buford T Diablo Sandwich... Get me a Docta Peppa!... Best BBQ-related sandwich in all of Austin.

Blue Ox BBQ – I’ve only been to Blue Ox once, but the Espresso Rubbed Pork Tenderloin has floated through my dreams on more than one occasion and the brisket was moist and delicious… And on Sunday they have all-you-can eat pancakes… Which for me is “a lot”.

The Pork Loin at Blue Ox BBQ is one of the best pork-related products you will ever devour.

Mickelthwait Craft Meats – As far as a complete meal at a BBQ place, I’m tempted to say I’ve never had a better one than the one I had at Michelthwait Craft Meats… All they use to season their pork ribs is salt and pepper and it comes out amazing… Their pork belly andouille is extraordinary… Their sausages vary daily, so every day is like a box of sausage! … Round it out with the jalapeno cheese grits (the best side dish I’ve had at any BBQ place) and a homemade moon pie and you have the perfect meal… With a no minute wait... Thanks to fellow BBQ lover Travis Feldhaus for enlightening me on this gem.

The best all-around meal you'll get at any BBQ place in Austin.

If you tell me, I can either spend two-plus hours waiting in line at Franklin’s BBQ or spend my two hours stopping at all four of these places in one day, I’ll go eat at these four places… I’ve surrendered Franklin’s BBQ to the hipsters, hippies and cretins and headed to a better place.

"What Has Two Wheels and Kills Werewolves?"

It's a 'Might've Missed it Monday' where I review a film whose release most likely went by unnoticed...

 

This Monday, we're reviewing... 'FDR: American Badass!’ (2012)

Synopsis (Spoiler Alert): Everyone knows FDR had polio… Not everybody knows he got it from getting bit by a werewolf… Not everybody knows that Hitler, Mussolini and Hirohito were werewolves… Not everyone knows FDR was the badass who single-handedly stopped them… But now they do.

 

What role would've been better with Robert Loggia?: Clearly Ray Wise was miscast as Douglas MacArthur... This role had Robert Loggia written all over it.

Keri Lynn Pratt... Meee-ow!

The meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ow of the movie: Keri Lynn Pratt… Meeeeeeee-ow. Not the greatest actress ever, but better than Sandra Bullock… If only we can get her a better agent so she’s not limited to ‘FDR: America Badass!’ and ‘Cruel Intentions 2’.

Why to watch?
1. Kevin Sorbo as Abraham Lincoln! … That sounds great… It sounds even better when you know he utters the line “Emancipate that ass”
2. Kenny from the Cosby Show! Bud! He hasn’t been in anything this cutting edge since the Kris Kross “Warm it Up” video.
3. It's a cross between 'Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer'; 'Teen Wolf' and one of those cornball mocking movies like 'Scary Movie'.
4. Irreverent lines like “Marco… Polio”… You’ll keep watching to say what stupid thing will be said next.
5. Is there any job Bruce McGill won't take? 145 film and TV credits... I'm not sure what the world record is, but he's nearing Michael Starr territory... Mr. Mentalino has 190 credits... Kevin Bacon only has 75… This is his most inspiring role since playing Sheriff Farley in “My Cousin Vinny”.

Why to not watch?1. I was worried at the beginning when Barry Bostwick, who was playing FDR, looked like he was going to do a Burgess Meredith as the Penguin impersonation the entire film. It was unbearable… He slipped back into it from time-to-time, but it wasn't as intense.
2. Lots of unnecessary, or maybe it is, vulgarity and crude jokes… So if you’re not into that, don’t watch.


Degrees to Kevin Bacon… Bruce McGill ('End of the Line' - 1987) and Ray Wise ('X-Men: First Class' - 2011) were both in movies with Kevin Bacon, so they're 1s, making the rest of the cast 2s.
Best line of the movie… Abraham Lincoln: Emancipate that ass!
Will you laugh: Yes
Should you laugh: Hmmmmm... Most of the time, no
Will you cry: No
Can you watch it with your mother: No
Can you watch it with your children: No
Is it worse than "Grown Ups"?: No... Although I went into it thinking 'shit... this could be worse than "Grown Ups", it was a lot better than that.
Is it better than "Furry Vengeance"?: No... But what is?

On a scale from 1 to 32: I give it an 18.56... It was better than average... You think that you're going to stop it early because of how awful it could be... But it ends up being not that awful... Actually entertaining at times.